From: weheartit.com
What is love and commitment anyway? Two simple words but when put together, it bring a lot of meaning to someone else’s lives. All of us went through the different phases of relationship. When we were young we are blinded by the thought of love: Roses, letters, romantic dates, looks and sappiness. As we grow older, our ideas and ways on love changes. Some may be for better or some for worse. I must admit I got a fair share of heartbreaks, happiness, anger, madness and some crazy episodes on taking the journey in love and in search of “the One”.
For more than a few months now, I ended up my six-year relationship. A lot of people were surprised especially on my ex’s side since they were expecting we will end up together. I expected that too, for a long time. I’ve been waiting for a long time. Sometimes, I even asked my ex what is our plans and directions in life, he couldn’t answer me. All he can say is I’m too young and he’s not ready. At the back of my mind, how young is a 27 years old girl and why the guy is not yet ready when he’s already hitting early 30’s. A lot of people would think this is just an episode of serious soul searching. Trust me, I’ve already done that plenty of times, it even came to a point that I went outside the country to find myself lost in translation of our so-called relationship. Sometimes I feel like I am single and sometime I feel like I’m in a relationship, 50-50. There are times I need someone when my moodiness kicks in and yet I have no one to turn to. Sometimes I don’t feel that special. I feel I was never a top priority above all other things. Sometimes I cry in the dark hoping everything will be OK and I would be able to bounce back, cheering myself that we will take the further step in due time. But deep inside, I am not OK. Subconsciously I am already looking for a great diversion in my life. My ever trusted journal would tell you, how frustrated and sad I am for the last 10 months. My journal is my lists of all the accounts in my life and ideas about my current feelings. I know that journal signifies what I am feeling for the last 10 months. I am not happy like what I am trying to portray to everyone. I am trying to have fun and don’t seem to mind that I go out without him, but deep inside, it hurts a lot and that he doesn’t even care to know my dearest and closest friends. I know I am not perfect, I do have weird quirks and have my own set of moods but I am trying to put up a fight in our relationship. I’ve been trying to ask him for the longest time and we even went through a series of arguments because of commitment and plans. Sometimes, guys think that girls are materialistic and demanding but there are just few things that are very important to us: time, love, commitment, future plans, assurance / security and simple effort. For me love and commitment alone would be important since it signifies the rest. You cannot commit to a person if you are not secured and assured. You will love the person more if there are simple efforts put up in the relationship. I’ve been trying to hold on since our last break up. Four years ago, we broke up for a reason that he found someone else aside from me and yet blindingly, I still accepted him and love him like the first years we were together. But those memories bore a deep wound inside of me. Our relationship was like a broken glass and for many years I’ve been trying to hold on to those broken pieces of glass. Even if it cuts through me and it left me wounded, I was still trying to hold on to it. I was trying to salvage our broken glass and in the end, it hurt me more and left me bleeding for years.
I know the experience in that six year period was not that easy and to be honest, it was not that easy to let go. Thinking about the pain, the happy times, memories, the sadness, tears, promises, words, disagreements, frustrations and anger, it can still make me cry. Nobody says breaking up is easy. Even if you were the one initiating the whole thing, it was too complicated. I know some would say that what I’ve been through is a five year itch, but heck, we even managed to go through six years and yet our relationship did not survive. I know it takes two to tango, we did have our own set of mistakes and I wouldn’t hide the fact that I was already in a rebellious mood six months before I ended up our relationship. I was too confused and lost. Confused, because I know I have reached the crossroad in my quarter life crisis and it doesn’t help that I am lost in the direction of our relationship. There was no assurance and security. For years I’ve been waiting, even the simplest statement such as, “I will take care of you”. I already accepted the fact before that he was not the romantic type and he possesses the attitude of being insensitive and stubborn. One of my friend even commented that our love story is just like “One More Chance” and I utterly disagree. In the movie Popoy has future plans with Basha, it was Basha who called it quits because she was already suffocated by Popoy’s controlling ways. In our own set of story, he does not have any plans for us and I already changed due to deep hurt and frustration. I am just a human, not a superwoman. In the long run I managed to put up with everything that’s on the line, sometimes I even felt I could even sell my soul just to make this relationship grow. Everything will still come to an end because relationships should not be a one-way street, but a two-way street. I know I put everything on stake on this relationship and there was no easy way out... But I need to make a heart-wrenching decision: let go and move on. This is the only way I can only figure out myself and stay sane for the rest of my life. I am neither a robot nor a superhero, at the end of the day; I am a simple girl with simple wants and needs. That simple wants and needs in a relationship is deeper commitment. Times change and things change... so am I.
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