NOTE: I am still contemplating if I should post this private thoughts of mine. I already posted this on my Friendster blog but change my mind and erased my whole collection of blogs. This entry is more like of thinking out loud and not to offend anyone. This is not the time to regret the what-ifs and the past but rather look back and be reasonable enough to think that things happen for a reason. I am always a firm believer that sometimes things don't happen for no apparent reason. God always have a grandeur plan for us. It is up to us how to grab the opportunity and use it for the present.
I know it’s been ages since the last time I wrote here. Summer break is almost over and I’m really savoring the thought and the time that I would be able to squeeze some of my precious times in any outings left for me and my friends and family. I am also re-reading the Twilight saga to really feel the depth and emotions of the books and of course be close to my so-called ideal crush Edward Cullen (lol at major kaadikan to…)
Speaking of Twilight Saga, re-reading it enabled my volatile mind to picture some people in my past who I relate to the protagonists of the story. While imagining the scenario in my mind, I remember one of college friend and I miss him a lot. He’s the sun in my cloudy and gloomy days in my college days. It really seems strange that after all these years I am still yearning for his company and hoping to patch things where our bitter and unexpected separation took us. Sometimes at night he still appear in my dreams like nothing changed and in my dreams we were both good friends. How I wish I could say the same things right now.
Recently, a friend of ours passed away. During those periods, that was the time when he started to appear on my dreams. Sometimes I woke up in the middle of the night and felt the cold sensation of his touch. It was a weird and sickening feeling. After four years of not contacting each other, that sad episode was the time I remembered him. Before I used to talk to his aunt and ask his whereabouts, but after a while I decided to cut the ties to his family to let him go and help me focus on my present life along with the people included in it.
Just this night everything changed, I really didn’t know what pushed me to organize my old stuff and found my old diary tucked in the hidden nook of my closet. The reason for keeping the diary in the darkest corner of my room is to forget all those not-so good memories and the past that contributed to my almost depression. I didn’t realize that my old diary was full of HIM! I even quoted messages that came from our conversation in cellphone text. I can’t believe myself. Who in their right mind would do that? I think I was just too blind in those times where I know the answers to my questions before. I won’t elaborate further, but let’s just say he was really something for me. I know it’s the past and yet he still haunt me in my dreams like he was the ghost I wanted to avoid forever.
But what would happen if one day I came across with him in an unexpected place and time? What would I do? Would I dare to talk to him and ask how he is doing? Would I run and hide like a maniac while avoiding him? Would I casually walk in front of him like nothing is bothering me? I am definitely clueless. Reading his old letters reminded me of friendship lost and bonds that were deeply severe. How can I let go of something precious in my life? During our college days he was the one who encourage me to do things beyond my dreams and expectations. I cried buckets and scream like hell when I’m sad and mad. But despite all my euphoria and craziness, he was still my very bestfriend I needed and depended on. Up to this day, I am still grateful for his simple words that became my guiding purpose in life. In some way he helped me see myself clearly and subconsciously, he took part in achieving my dreams and goals. I was just sad that I wasn’t able to show him what became of me. What I reached and how he became part of it all.
Every time I walk on a hallway filled with people, every time I stroll to a chaotic mall and every time I browse books on my favorite bookstores, I try to picture what would it be like when we’re still very best friends. I remember those chinky eyes lit up when he laugh, his curvy smile I love, the strong hold of his arms while I walk clumsily and the narrow slits of his eyes when he’s upset or mad. I even remember his repulse on the sight of an eight-legged creature called spiders. Beyond imagination, up to this very moment I try to ask myself what did go wrong that our friendship did not survive the unexpected odds hurled towards us.
When somebody asked me what would be my very wish, I always thought if it was possible to turn back time and try to correct things that should have happened. I used to blame fate and destiny for this surly output of my present, but when I look back and think hard, I know no one was to blame but me. It was my choice to let him go, it was my choice not to be friends with him anymore and it was my choice for keeping two important people in my life and yet lost them both on different reasons. If I did take risks and dare to be more open before, I guess my life; our lives would be very different. But who knows what’s in store for us? It is always a choice. Might as well live with it and cherish the thought that we might be not friends anymore but hoping in time, we can pick up the pieces we left and start over again.
Hayyy, my sentiments are soooo long it might bored a lot of people to tears… Don’t get me wrong, I love my present life. I love the current person in the center of my universe right now. I believe it is still fate that brought us together here. Siguro Lord knows that I am not only looking for a coolest guy bestfriend but also a great partner (hopefully in the future) in life. My college bestfriend was part of that memorable college past. Those great memories (just omit the bitter ones) of us would always be cherished but I want to be happy in my present life, which I am right now. I am always thankful to have someone special in my life now. He was not just a simple boyfriend but also a great friend. He’s someone who I can talk for hours on phone and in person and someone who brings happiness in my life. Lord knows how many times we fought, disagreed and even separated for a while but we did surpass that. When I was about to fall in my lack of enthusiasm in my previous career he helped me see myself clear. When I’m in one of my sour moods he listens to me and just hugs me telling me everything would be alright. We dreamed together and planned a lot of things, one step at a time we manage to get them (kahit mabagal yung progress… at least my progress! Haha). My bf always teases me about my college bestfriend but never did he feel jealous about it. Siguro dahil meron kami parehong agreement kaya it was never brought up as big deal. Hahaha. Whatever our reasons, one thing is for sure… I love him and he loves me. I am glad for what we have right now and I am happy that whatever I lost in the past, I got it in my present and in a much higher value. Kahit pagsama-samahin pa lahat ng precious moments in the past, nothing beats the PRESENT. :D
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